In loving mockery of our shared LUV 4 DAVID peeps:

October 12, the DCO Pants forum.

Fan friends!

I know how you feel! I just want the best for David, and I'm impatient enough to want it right away. I'm afraid RCA is just not getting David "out there" in a big way.

Listen, I'm in show business myself, and I feel like I know a little bit about how an artist should be promoted.

Where are the big electric signs? That sweet fuzzy mug all over the side of a bus? The shot glasses? OK, my stage is in Vegas, so admittedly that influences me. We do things big and loud and cheezy over here, but you know what, it works!

The audience *definitely* needs to see the artist up close and personal, ideally on a bright sunny day. The artist, in turn, gets his energy from contact with his fans, and if he has to turn a few extra backflips to get them excited, he does them! After a show, when you're snacking on salty fish, you know in your heart that you've made a lasting place in their hearts.

Look, gotta go, but if you want to read more about my thoughts on promoting our favorite primate artist, just check out my blog here.

Salty's blog

-------

Las Vegas, NV, Mirage Hotel, Secret Garden and Dolphin Habitat

With a contented sigh, Salty clicked the submit button. Nice post, he thought, if I do say so myself. Now maybe go check out the Charts thread, see whether that nice ladymadonna had any good news about additional spins for Light On!

"Oh*My*God!"

The screech in his ear was so loud, Salty jumped, and whipped his tail around, spilling his cup of herring latte everywhere. God, how he hated having a room mate. Especially one who was all too prone to swimming silently up behind him and peering at his laptop screen. Christ, he needed to pressure Steve Wynn about a better contract.

"I can't believe you're spending more time on that RIDICULOUS David Cook site. Those people are obsessed. That contest ended MONTHS ago."

Salty strove valiantly for self-possession, although he suspected he still had a huge silly grin on his face. Well, to be honest, he most always did have one, it was an evolutionary thing. And anyway, his fans liked it.

"Flippesha, you are missing the whole point. This has nothing to do with American Idol anymore. It's about David Cook, the artist.

We're both performers, Flipp! And I think I do have insight to share. When we met . . . I just felt a really *special* connection. It's a creative thing!

This is a very sensitive time artistically for Dave. His album is coming out, and we dedicated fans just want to do everything we can to support it. I know how people can get screwed over by poor promotion! Look what happened to Blake Lewis! And that manatee from Sea World!'

Flippesha snorted. It was an unpleasant sound, coming, as it did, from her blow hole. "Oh please. Now he's "Dave"? And you're interested in his career? I see how much time you spend on there.

You're living in a fantasy world, Salty. It was ONE KISS!

How many other mammals has he met since then, a million? He's a BIPED for cryin' out loud, and, hello, a guy? You really think he's up for the nation's first gay, cross-species relationship? You don't even know if he can swim!

Do yourself a favor, boy. Turn off the laptop, swim outside, and get a life."

As Flippesha sashayed off, leaving behind a mackerel-scented current of disdain, Salty sighed. It was nothing he hadn't told himself. Almost against his will, his flipper hovered over the mouse--then with a click, he brought up his screensaver one more time.

An observer standing outside the pen might have heard one sad, solitary, burbling voice singing softly.

"Try to leave a light on, when I'm gone..."

The Compleat Totally Accurate Fan Reports Archive