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FEBRUARY 4, 2009, 8:55 am
Over in the DWOP Thread, folks got on a fun discussion of what they were doing when they were twenty-six, the age of our pet rockstar wanker. So, I ended up writing out some stuff about my life, but not putting it there because . . . eh, well, it was kind of a groovy vibe this morning that I didn't want to harsh on.
When I was 26 I was happy. It was the early nineties. Kaydeemister and I threw a huge, cheap wedding---beer and wine and a dj, we decorated the place by buying a monster lot of white roses from a wholesaler and staying up late drinking and tying them in bunches. No bridal party outfits, just cute hats. We'd been living together for quite a while so we didn't bother with the whole bride and groom leaving thing--it was our party! We danced so hard they finally had to kick us out of the venue hours after we should have left. Nobody had any money so like twenty people a piece slept in each of a few hotel rooms and the rest in their cars.
For our honeymoon we spent a week in Provincetown and were adopted by the rest of the guests at our B&B as being the Only Straight Couple to Honeymoon in Provincetown, drinking at the AHouse at night and sleeping in the hot sun on the beach or wandering the art galleries by day. Then a week in New York at the Chelsea Hotel (which was authentically filthy and drug-ridden) going to see shows and the sights.
Back home, I was teaching writing and getting a graduate degree and generally lost in the black-clad, theory-ridden world of intellectuals, he was a hard-driven craftsman and small businessman specializing in historic restoration who raced motorcyles on the weekend. We rode everywhere on his vintage British motorcyle, a 1969 Norton Commando.
Cut to eight years later, it is two in the morning and I am scouring the bars on 18th Street because he's disappeared again on a multi-day drug binge, and if I can find him and bring him home, we could start the process of getting clean again. Last time he made it three months. I pick him up from jail. I pick him up at then end of alleys crunchy with vials. I'm paralyzed with fear and despair and am getting absolutely nothing worthwhile done in my life, either. I have bad thoughts whenever I cross a high-up bridge near our house. I give up on happy and settle for "alive." On New Year's Eve of the Millenium, 1999, I swim for my life and get out of there with a personal worth consisting of my clothes, a computer, and 500 books.
Long story short. I quit school and academia, which I hated anyway, and writing, which didn't pay the rent. Got a low level office job, taught myself web development. Worked my way back to the middle-class respectability I despised when I was younger. Can sling Powerpoint with the best of them. After I finally left, the mister finally did get clean, with another woman's help, and lives happily with an ex-stripper in another state. Makes for a colorful dinner-party story, dunnit.
The moral of this story is not Kids, Don't Do Drugs. Although, seriously, don't. But he and I had our own deep underlying voids of unhappiness we were refusing to deal with. Both of us had lost a parent to death at an early age and had a skill for impressing people on the outside that allowed us to hide from our own bullsh*t till it turned utterly toxic.
Hmm, what am I doing writing about all this under a pseudonym on a rock singer's website? I don't know, it came up in conversation, is one thing. For another, 99% of the time in my real life, I'm Clark Kent, all respectfully listening to the VP of Interactive Marketing with my secret identity well-hidden under my grown-up person drag, only my secret has more knowing what a crack den looks like and less Planet Krypton. I still like heroes (and Heroes the song) and rock music and a lot of stuff you would think life would have disillusioned right the hell off me by now. I tend to need a lot of inspiration, so maybe that's it. That is all.
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Comments for this Blog post
Why? Because.
More than cathartic, writing something down may also give us the opportunity to look at something honestly, thereby limiting toxic build up of bulls***. If we're really honest, we may also get a new perspective. If we're really lucky, we find friends who care and let us know we're not alone.
As my dad (who passed away when I was just 15) used to say, "Things are tough all over." He tended to spout Atticus-esh wisdom that went over my Scout-like (complete with scabby knees) head. Yet they planted their seeds in my heart and often bear fruit when I crave me some wisdom. Things are, indeed, tough all over.
I, too, know what it is like to watch a loved one battle addiction. Mine's a daughter. I understand the debris they can leave in our heads. Terms we never wanted to know, things we never wanted to see. I also understand the pain of knowing that, try as we might, we may not be meant to be their hero. "I can't fix you. I can't save you. It's something you'll have to do." Our war has been waging for twelve years. Though we are now off of the front lines, we seem to still be stuck in the trenches. I also feel in need of inspiration.
DCO is more than just Dave, the EEB, and rock. It is the inspiring people I've "met" as well. You are one of those people. I must say, though, that the Clark Kent suit does little to hide the "Super Teacher" I sense inside. I hope you continue to inspire us and you receive some as well.
Brave of you for sharing
I think that everyone has a story , but no matter how old you get or how your body changes your heart and soul stay young. Music appeal to the soul. Especially David's lyrics. So it is not strange that that part of you is still there. I am glad you are in a better place with your life. Love your writing.
What a beautiful story...and what a talented writer
kaydeecee, your story really is inspirational. I mean, I haven't even reached 26 yet (though I'm not too far away) and reading this made me tear up. I know what it's like to go through sh*t. I lost a parent just 2 years ago, and I'm still dealing with the crap that led to. Reading your stuff...you truly have a way with words, whether you're making me laugh or cry or just think. I don't know if you've tried recently, but you should try to get your stuff out there, you know? Join a writing website, contact your local journal or magazine, create a blog, introduce yourself to people who know people in the business, do anything, and I believe you would get noticed. I really think you're that good. The david stories on this site are funnier than many a short novel I've read.
I hope I'm not being too intrusive! I don't post too too often because I know when I do, I really go all out with my opinion. You really are very talented, though, and I wish you the best whatever your endeavor!
Passion
I have been mulling about your post all day. Should I stick my nose in or not. Really none of my business to say anything. Not to mention, unlike others, I do not articulate my thoughts and feelings well on paper. But I can't not say anything,obviously, I'm here posting right?
So here goes.
I admire what you have done. I think it is inspiring for other people to know that they can change their existance and their current path. It takes great strength, persistence and courage to do what you have done.
I don't know if the Clark Kent thing is making you happy or fulfilled that is none of my business. Although I truly understand having the bills paid plus some extra has a lot to be said for it.
What I do know is that you have a wonderful talent. I love to read your pieces. I mean just look at us, we all selfishly beg you for more! I assumed you were a writer; playwrite, screenwriter, journalist, blogger, whatever...I assumed that was what you did. You seem to have a passion for writing as well as a gift.
Thanks for sharing and inspiring us.
I Lurve You
I am nearly in tears. For you to share this with us is, well so unexpected yet so cherished. It really is all about the love. You are very special. We knew that, but now we know more. Thank you for sharing. I send you a big smishy virtual hug from our favorite Rockstar Wanker.
Before you think too hard...
you should know that I'm actually not willing to subscribe to "Men's Fitness," not even for you. I might pick up a copy at the grocery store checkout, though, if I saw your byline on the cover. So, tailor your sales pitch accordingly when you go out to sell your storytelling.
But, I was serious about the part where you are awesome, and also about the part where Cook is a poster child for what it looks like to have your sh*t together at the age of 26. You both make me happy.
Now It's Out
I knew there was a story in there and I am so glad that you shared it, as hard as that must have been.
I hope now that it is out you can start to move on to better days.
Do you feel the love from the people on this website?
I'm sending some extra of my own, keep your chin up.
Thanks guys
You all have said some very moving things here, thinks I need to think about. But before I do, just thanks.
I need a few more clouds to climb.
--
kaydeecee
Totally Accurate Fan Reports at davidcookofficial.com/user/kaydeecee | Totally Irrational Fan Number One Gross
Heroes
Maybe that is part of David Cook's gift, and what has drawn many of us to him; he somehow connects us to those pieces of ourselves that we suppressed or left behind along the way. And we so desperately want him to hang onto those things we see in him as he makes his way along his own path.
Thank you for all you do to make DCO something more than just the website of a 26 year old singer. Your 1% is a whole lot of special.
You're my Inspiration
I agree with normanthecat. DC does inspire us to do things we never thought we would and so do you. Have I told you this and that before? The ability to be that raw and that truthful in your writing is a gift. So is your wit. You inspire me.
Kate
--
You teach me to rise up.
Thanks for sharing
Thank you for sharing your story. I want to give you a hug. You are a very talented writer. I live on the west coast so I always have a lot to catch up with by the time I get on in the morning. There have been so many times when I have wanted to add to something that was already discussed but you have already said what I have wanted to say. Only you are able to express it much more articulately and with much more wit than I ever could. I always enjoy reading your posts and your Fan Reports. You have a very creative mind that needs to find an outlet.
--
G*Marie
I lurb you
and you know why.
Another of Your Fans Weighs In
Girlfriend, you tell a compelling story be it fact or fiction. I've laughed over your fan reports and cried over this. Ultimately I'm uplifted by your triumph. You are one special lady and we're lucky to share a window into your goodness here at DCO. Listen to Poniente and Sasha. (((hugs)))
Thank you
I just wanted to thank you for sharing this. Your ability to inspire people, whether it's laughter or tears, is truly amazing.
This belongs here.
You know, written anonymously on this rock star's website. Because, the dude is inspiring that way. What if we'd all been able to face our own bullsh*t head-on by the time we were 26?
You are awesome. And your writing should be published. I'd subscribe to anything - even "Men's Fitness" - if kaydeecee had a column.
Wow, what a story
KDC:
I agree with Sasha. You have an amazing, unusual talent and I would love for you to do some big writing, if you felt so inclined.
Do you feel at all compelled to share your gift in a bigger way, or is treating us enough? Sometimes reading your work I feel like I stumbled onto David singing at a little bar in LA. Amazingly lucky for us but if you are a little bit ambitious, you could share a lot more.
I mean, you could do the memoir thing. Just the outline of your story in this blog is gripping. Just sayin'.
Thank you for sharing this part of your life. You don't have to cover with me, and I bet with most everyone else here.
You rock - Seriously
I hope that you continue to pursue your writing. Academic writing is too worthy and in the clouds anyways. So I totally understand why creativity and academic politics do not mesh. But you're so gifted and have a wonderful way of cutting through the fog. I've posted it before, but I think that you could and should be Boston's Anne Fadiman (Ex Libris: Confessions of a Common Reader) or short vignettes about Boston/family/life. See, I'm putting on my RL marketing hat. Peter Mayle, David Sedaris, even Tony Bourdain are/were able to marry their love of food, life, travel, culture and social mores and capture that on paper - and enjoy monetary rewards with their personal passions. They appreciate and study cultures and the human condition via food and wine. Just something to ponder. I would pay to read your stuff, Kaydeecee. As it is, I'm very glad you post on DCO. Thank you, as always for sharing.
None 2
You continue to be an inspiration.
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Enlightenment delayed. Laundry piling up.
none
Thanks for sharing your poignant story.
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Janus || TIF #2i || We'll all sing along...