October,

It's bittersweet, your arrival, my favorite month of the year. It's just a reminder of how quickly this year has gone by and yes, how the end of the year is upon us. I'm not looking forward to winter this year, by no means. I barely did anything to enjoy the summer, it's completley passed me by! Now as the leaves are already changing and the cooler air has moved in, I'm nostalgic and sad, I'm remembering a lot of feelings I've maybe brushed under the rug in this past year. After all, with the holidays closing in, I'm starting to retract into a ball, not wanting to think about my first Christmas season without my father, or my family for that matter. Halloween will probably be harder than usual because it was around this time last year my father's cancer had gotten worse and we came together as a family and decided it was time he be placed in a nursing home. I remember last year on Halloween night after work, we dropped by the nursing home and Dad got to see me all done up with my wig and crazy makeup, and he laughed, told us to be safe and have fun. Of course it's safe to say I won't have that this year and yes, I am pretty upset about it. Well, not upset as I could be considering I'm not really one to dig into my supressed feelings and toss 'em out for the world to see. Atleast not anymore? I guess change does that to you.. Wow okay so I've gotten off track, let's start over, shall we?

Well, with October being my favorite month of the year, I always try to make it special somehow. Every year since I was 12 years old I would make a rule: be happy. I'd randomly pick a number and that number would be the amount of days out of the month I'd be allowed to be down\moody\sad! October is a happy, beautiful month and that means I've got to be a happy, beautiful Megyn! And every year, I'd follow through - spend most of my time smiling, laughing, enjoying myself and being happy! On top of the numbered down days I allowed myself, I also came up with a goal. I'd think about all bumps in the road I'd been dealing with at that current time and I'd pick the hardest one. That would become the rule. I would overcome that obstacle. And to my excitement, every year until two years ago, I managed to complete the goal. Two years ago I made my goal about Donny. I was determined to grow some balls and kiss him, come clean and tell him how I felt about him. Well, as you can probably guess, that didn't happen. I just couldn't do it. Yes, I regret it all the time. So last year I knew I had to work extra hard to complete whatever goal I came up with. Hopefully this won't make me sound super boy crazy, but I made last year's goal about Wayne. I had to make sure I finally rid myself of all the feelings I was holding on to. All the heartache, anger, doubt, worry - I had to let it go because I knew that things were getting worse with my dad and if I was still a mess from my s*** with Wayne, there was no way I'd be able to handle anything with my dad. October 31st came around and yes, I completed my goal. I can remember waking up on November 1st thinking that I was different, braver and ready to move on. It was the best goal I've ever set for myself because, in the end, I was right. Things were worse with my dad and it was hard. Harder than I thought it would be. I spent months trying to prepare myself for my dad's death, so when it happened, I'd be alright. I'm glad I did, too, because I'm pretty sure if I was still bruised from the Wayne stuff, I would have been a complete mental case when my father passed away. Talk about self help, right?

All of that leads me to now. Now, I'm sort of stuck. I don't have a goal. Technically I've been stuck for months, and I've known for months that my October goal was needed and yet, I couldn't come up with anything. Sure, I'm disappointed, but at the same time, I'm sort of relieved. Having an October goal makes me stronger but it also tears me apart at the same time. I've got 31 days to completely rebuild myself, to start over, even. This year? I don't want to do it. I've got no desire to break down the walls of my soul, let everything out and then rebuild. I just don't have the energy. Maybe I'm afraid. Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe I've done all I can do to be self motivational for my own sake. Maybe I simply don't care. Whatever the underlying reason may be, it doesn't matter. I simply don't have an October goal this year and though I'm not ruling out the option of making one, I'm okay with it. The only thing I care about this October is making it the best October yet. I am going to go pumpkin picking, I'm going to go on hayrides, visit Fall Show, I'll decorate for Halloween (at work!), we're going to party for Halloween, I'll go to fairs and eat candy apples covered in rainbow sprinkles - I'll enjoy myself. And really, that's all that matters.

Welcome October, I'm happy to have you.