A short one act play starring my body parts.
LMAO.
Quite possibly my favorite thing I have ever written.

House Party

A Short One Act Play

The Players:

The Brain
Two Ears
Two Eyes
Two Hands
Two Lips
The Clitoris
The Vagina
The Stomach
The Bladder

Scene One
(inside the front door)

The Brain:
Alright ladies. We’re here and we better be ready to have fun.

The Vagina:
What do you mean by we? I’m staying in tonight.

The Clitoris:
You are never any fun.

The Brain:
That’s enough out of you two. I’m about sick of your constant bickering anyway. That’s one of the reasons I want to have fun tonight, and I don’t really care if either one of you do.

Eyes:
Nope. Doesn’t look like we’ll be partying with you guys tonight. There’s no reason for either one of you to come with us. Not much of a selection.

Ears:
Hey, there’s some guy trying to talk to us.

Eyes:
Yeah we know, that’s why we’re looking this way.

The Brain:
That bad huh?

Eyes:
You don’t want to know.

The Brain:
Gotcha. So, time for a beer.

Hands:
Way ahead of you boss.

Scene Two
(at the card table)

The Brain:
So we’re having fun right? On beer number three, sitting next to the birthday boy…

Eyes:
Who is not cute.

Ears:
He’s funny though.

The Brain:
And that is all that matters. Besides, we are just out to have fun tonight.

The Clitoris:
Please define fun because I’m bored.

The Vagina:
And that is just fine by me, thank you very much.

The Brain:
Enough! I stopped listening to you two a long time ago.

Ears:
Hey, there’s a new guy trying to talk to us. He said something about our accent.

Eyes:
I haven’t seen this one yet. Let’s check it out…. Oh my…

The Clitoris:
GOD!

The Brain:
Now just hold your horses, he was talking about our accent, he could be one of those cocky SOBs who like to make a**hole comments to girls when they think they are flirting but in all actuality are really being obnoxious. We’ll have to talk to him more.

Eyes:
But did you see those lips?

Lips:
We sure did!

The Clitoris:
I second that!

The Vagina:
What is going on up there? No funny business, I will not have any part of it.

The Brain:
Calm down, all of you. I make the decisions around here.

The Clitoris:
Riiiiiight….

The Brain:
What was that?

The Clitoris:
Er… nothing.

Ears:
He’s talking to us again!

Lips:
And we’re talking back.

The Brain:
Well, he doesn’t seem to be an a**hole. He seems alright.

Eyes:
And those eyes…

The Brain:
Stop it, stop it right now.

The Clitoris:
No, no need to stop.

The Vagina:
What are you all planning up there? I am in no mood to go along with any of your schemes.

The Brain:
Calm down, we are just making a new friend. There isn’t any scheme.

The Clitoris:
Yet.

The Brain:
But as for right now, I need beer number four.

Hands:
Got it.

Scene Three
(in the living room)

Eyes:
Where is he? Where is he? Where is he?

The Clitoris:
I can’t believe you walked away from him!

The Brain:
Oh come on. Gotta play hard to get.

The Clitoris:
Oh that is so old fashioned.

The Vagina:
We don’t have to play hard to get, because he ain’t getting nothing.

The Clitoris:
Oh you are so uptight!

The Vagina:
Think about what you just said. And besides, every time you get one of your “good” ideas, I’m the one who has to do all the work. Besides, I’m not ready to be seen in public. I haven’t had a haircut in weeks. You wouldn’t want Mr. Hot Boy to think we are some sort of Neanderthal.

The Brain:
That’s an excellent point.

The Clitoris:
Dammit, you’re ruining it!

The Vagina:
Good.

Eyes:
There he is! There he is! There he is!

The Vagina:
Oh I’m gonna be sick.

The Clitoris:
Good sick or bad sick?

The Vagina:
What do you think?

The Brain:
What is he doing?

Eyes:
Messing with the stereo we think.

Ears:
Sounds like he doesn’t know what he’s doing.

The Brain:
Eh, we’ll keep walking. If we go talk to him now he’ll just be embarrassed.

The Clitoris:
I can’t believe we’re just gonna walk away again!

The Vagina:
Whew.

The Brain:
I need time to think. And another beer.

Hands:
We’re on it.

Scene Four
(in the living room)

The Brain:
What number beer is this?

Hands:
Eight? Nine? Possibly ten?

The Stomach:
We are so done after this one.

The Bladder:
Yeah, I’m getting a workout.

The Brain:
Oh, okay.

Eyes:
Where is he?

The Vagina:
Dammit, I was hoping you all would forget about him.

The Clitoris:
You’re hilarious.

Eyes:
There he is! On the couch! There’s an empty seat by him!

The Clitoris:
Alright, it’s decision time. And I think you know my vote.

The Vagina:
And mine. Let me add that I vehemently disagree with her.

The Brain:
Okay, I’m making an executive decision.

The Clitoris:
Which is?

The Brain:
A compromise.

The Clitoris, The Vagina (in unison):
Huh? How?

The Brain:
Well, I think you two should just stay out of this for tonight.

The Vagina:
I knew we weren’t that drunk.

The Clitoris:
Dammit! But he’s so hot!

The Brain:
But, there’s no reason everyone else can’t have fun.

Eyes, Ears, Lips, Hands (in unison):
(random cheers)

The Clitoris:
I hate you all. I wish I could just leave.

The Vagina:
Hardy Har Har.

The Clitoris:
Shut up.

The Brain:
Alright, let’s go sit on that couch.

The End