Well, it's been almost a whole year since I've sent myself into David Cook Siberia...meaning I've cut myself off...for various reasons, health, family etc...but something I had to come to terms with, and I think ALL of his fans do, especially those of us "from the beginning" have to realize is that life goes on....and a daydream of a Rocker knocking on our door to sweep us out of our mundane existence is just that...a daydream. I've missed all the friends I've made, but had to distance myself for a time just because well...when your in the hospital and fighting for your life, you realize just what is important in this world...I have 3 very big ones..my husband and my 2 little girls. If I'm not here, who will be? If I'm not accessible, where will they turn? If I'm not living my life to the fullest, the way David is living his, who am I cheating? Me? Sure, but more than that...my sphere of influence. It may not reach millions, I don't have a tour bus..just a 2002 Chevy Malibu that's too small now for the 4 of us. My husband? Yes, I'm cheating him out of the pure love that should be reserved for only a spouse....my children? Yes, I'm cheating them out of their future. But when it's all said and done, and the band has played the last note, strummed the last cord and sung the last refrain...who do I run to? Don't know or really care if this makes much sense...just my thoughts. I'll probably be the only one to read it. But that's okay. I've had to put into perspective this whole "fandom" thing. I'll always love David, in a way that I can't fully explain, but he has to reside only in my dreams...He's a real person, one. In a sea of a million faces. He is a precious creation that God made and gave a great talent to. But I can't live my life "following" him around and wasting what talents God gave me. To be a wife, a mother, a lover and a friend. To rediscover my passion for music. To play my flute again with clarity and feeling. To write with knowledge that only God could have given me. To be all that I was created to be means that I must surrender all that I am and ever hope to be. Who? God. Why? Because with out Him, I AM nothing. So, while I have so greatly enjoyed the fantasy ride, my life has been slowly ebbing away...receding into the background of shadows...not anymore. I want to LIVE. And most of all, I want to just BE...If that's wrong, sue me. If that's right...then I've gained what I desired to gain..perspective and life.
I love ya, David, always will. But you don't know me from the next stranger and that is perfectly all right. I'm just a regular (gulp) 37 year old mother of 2 with a husband who dearly loves me and wants the best for me, and I for him..compared to your life, it must be boring...but for me, these are the days of surrender. To something bigger than me.
I'm not sure how to end this musing.. so I guess I'll just...end it.