It's a Wonderful Life on the Moon - a Holiday Special Fan Report by kaydeecee

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Scene: Bedford Falls

Cast: Recently-Minted Rockstar David Cook; Fully-Illustrated  Guitar Guru Neal "The Doctor" Tiemann; Darkly Handsome Multi-tasker Andy Skib; Wholesome Spiral-Haired Bassist Joey Clement; Ninja Percussionist Kyle Peek. And Special Guests.

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David Cook and his F*cking Great Band are standing on a bridge at night as a gentle snow falls.

Kyle Peek: "My ass is cold."

Andy Skib: "You should try developing some flesh."

Neal Tiemann: "Perhaps Dave can give you some pointers."

Cook: "Dude, that was not on.  See if I share my salmon recipes and secret workout regime with you."

Skib: "The one you allegedly do to "Chariots of Fire"?" (1)

Cook: "That was, uh,  poetic exaggeration.  Anyways, now that Kyle's legal, the beer will fatten him up."

Peek, smirking: "Don't hate me because I'm skinny.  Hate me because I have pretty, pretty hair. Me and Joey. "

Joey Clement: "Thanks, Kyle!  Actually, you guys all have nice hair."

Cook: "I really don't.  But thanks for kissing my ass.  You're hired."

Clement, worried: "I thought I was already hired. "

Cook: "Don't they have sarcasm in South Dakota?"

Skib: "Don't we have a Christmas concert to practice for? Are you gonna make Neal do "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" again? 'Cause that was precious." (2)

Peek: "I know, we should do "Dick in a Box"! Hee! One, cut a hole in a box!" (3)

Skib: "Or "Man in a Box"! Cause' nothing says holidays like a little Seattle death grunge!" (4)

Cook, looking interested: "Say . . . "

As the band snarks, a figure comes flying through the darkness and jumps the bridge railing. There is a loud splash from the dark, cold water below.

Clement: "Oh no! That poor dude!  I better rescue him! "
 
The sweet-natured and spiral-haired bassist also vaults the railing.  There is another splash below.

Cook: "Oh sh*t.  Do they have swimming in South Dakota?"

Tiemann: "Unknown."

The FGB all jumps in.  There is much splashing and cursing.

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Sometime later, the group is gathered by a fire, drying out.

We can see that the dude they have rescued is former American Idol winner Taylor Hicks.

Cook: "What the hell?"

Hicks: "I'm an angel."

Cook: "Uh, angel? Are you by any chance looking for Archie, cause, he's the other one.  Smaller, fewer sins?"

Skib:  "Hey, I know you:  you're that Soul Patrol guy. From the other Idol year.  What, my mom watched, ok?   Your fans were even more psycho than Cook's, and they're effin crazy. "

Clement: "Wow, you must REALLY hate Broadway. Choose life, grey-haired dude!"

Hicks:"No, no, no! This is just a fill-in gig!  I currently play some sort of half-assed angel on Broadway, so that stunt casting fit."

Peek, looking out from under his drying locks: "Uh, OK, but why would an angel come to Cook?"

Hicks: " Well, I could see you here, right before Christmas, standing on the wintery bridge, agonized over the future, wondering if it all was worth it."

Cook: "No, I'm not!"

Hicks:"Sure you are."

Cook: "Am not.  Dude, why would I be angsty? I've had the Best Year Ever. " (5)

Hicks: "I've been to your fan sites.  You're supposed to be wrung with the agonizing fear of being ME. Of seeing your big win vanish in the wintery snows, your album disappear into obscurity, and ending up back at that bar in Tulsa."

Tiemannn:  "Unlikely.  Not only is the market for high-quality anthemic rock on far more healthy then that of your so-called modern whomp, but Cook's platinum-selling single TOML is still in the top 5 AC after seven months, he just spent four weeks in the top 10 album sales, broke gold, and had the best new artist debut of the year. To put it another way, Light On  is at No. 11 HAC and 24 Top 40, and has sold close to 300,000 individual downloads, or about 30x that of your single.  And that's prior to the first of the year." 

Clement: "Wow, nice exposition, Neal."

Hicks, annoyed: "Really? Nice of you to rub it in, Ink Boy!  Anyway.  My stage directions clearly state that you are supposed to be experiencing tormenting self-doubt! And I'm supposed to show you a vision that will clear everything up just in time for Christmas.  I'm supposed to show you a compelling vision of your own past!"

Peek: "Wait, Dave's year backwards has been done already!" (6)

Hicks: "Not like this it hasn't!!!"

We are all sucked into a rapid swirling montage of Cook's 2008.

A guy with an argyle vest, a red fauxhawk and a soul-patch is singing Bon Jovi.   Momentarily lucid, Paula Abdul asks: "Are YOU the next American Idol?" He gets a golden ticket, like in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and hugs his mom.

Later we see the same dude stuck in the back of a huge mob of desperate, eager, star-struck singers, carrying a battered guitar case.

There is some dude with flat-ironed hair singing "Happy Together." There is winking.  I don't know this dude.

Somewhere on the internet, a thread is born. (7) 

A viewer writes of Cook,  "When I closed my eyes, I quite enjoyed it."

He's delivering a rocked-out version of "All Right Now," garbed like Patrick Stump's forgotten laundry. Shot to confused viewers feeling something stir.  In their ears, and in their pants.

Somewhere on the internet, a group of people struggle with themselves, and lose.  They become the First Fans.

A lone voice cries for aid: "God help me, but I think David is attractive. I think I may be the only one. "

Soon, we see a  middle-aged blind woman is in a sculpture studio, modelling a head out of clay: suddenly, there is a voice from her television: "Helllllloooooooo!"  She looks confused.

Cook is delivering an impassioned version of "Eleanor Rigby,"  arms open to fly,  then happily "whoooing!"

Studying a YouTube of Whitesnake while reading "Vocoder for Dummies."

We see Chris Cornell sauteeing tofu and watching television as a familiar voice belts out "NOT my luvrrrrrrrrr!" Cornell:   "Aww, what the f*ck, man . . . I was being IRONIC when I did that joint.  Don't they have sarcasm in Hollywood?" He picks up a phone call. It's from his accountant: "He sold how many?!  Huh."

Some stylists are wrestling Cook to the ground while one of them cuts his hair. A second is stomping on a razor.  Another can be seen setting fire to Cook's closet and throwing in a t-shirt with a tuxedo cleverly imprinted on it.  

Delivering a kick-ass version of "Little Sparrow."

Neal Tiemann and Andy Skib are sitting in front of a television holding hand-lettered Go Cookie! signs. They may be drunk.

Joey Clement is hitchhiking from South Dakota to LA.

Kyle Peek is practicing the drums and laminating a fake ID.

Cook is belting out a gospel song all dressed in white.  Deciding to write some stuff on his hand about Giving Back.  Cook in the present as his band snickers and pretends to write on their hands: *Dammit.*  

Peeking at Mariah Carey's cleavage.  Feeling weird 'cause he was twelve when he bought her record.  Making a heart-breaking paean to separation out of a freaking Mariah Carey song.

Working on a Neil Diamond arrangement.

Dressed in a lime green matador outfit.

Getting an offer of oral sex from Andrew Lloyd-Webber.

Kissing a dolphin.

Thousands of internet fans are now spending every spare waking hour googling David Cook.

We see Hillary Clinton and Bill Clinton having sex.  Hillary has one eye on the television, from which we can hear a familiar voice warbling "Your faaaaaaaace" ( 8 )
Skib, in present: "I am SO scarred."

Final Three!  Boogieing out to McFadden and Whitehead's "Ain't No Stopping Us Now!" with a seventeen-year old boy and some hot diva chick who looks kinda pissed.

Entire state of Missouri goes into state of emergency. Radio stations play cover of "Always Be My Baby" on continous loop.  TV reporter intervews girl who says David Cook drew guitar on her notebook in 8th grade.  Lone Archuleta supporter ejected from state.

Singing the Who, Aerosmith, U2 to vast cheering audiences!

Sticking it to the man with his Collective Soul cover!

A stoic Cook receives word of his victory with his trademark iron hold over his emotions.

Pays off back rent in Tulsa.  Begins working with famed Green Day and My Chemical Romance producer Rob Cavallo on album. Tries to look cool and nonchalant everytime he says that. Fails.

Delivers rock-styled flavor of Lionel Richie's "Hello" to fifty cheering stadiums accompanied by dancing poptarts. Returns to hotel room to phone Cavallo and Tiemann about revisions to Chris Cornell-penned single.

Assembles F*cking Great Band (FGB). Star rises in the east.  Two-headed pigs are born.

The economy melts down.  

Appearing on Saturday Night Live with the Republican candidates for president and vice president as they do a skit about QVC and joke about how badly they are getting their asses handed to them by the black liberal guy with the funny name. The Band rocks out. Somewhere a magic rainbow pumps its fist.

Approaching 600,000 people find the wherewithall to buy David Cook The Record, some by selling their spouses

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Cook:  "CUT!!!! Enough already! This is even more f*cked up then I thought!

 I have officially had the *weirdest* year in the known history of mankind. "  

Neal Tieamann: "It occurs to me, Dave, that you have already done a far better job summarizing the emotional narrative of these unusual events through your songcraft.  "Life On the Moon" transforms your personal story into a series of metaphors that allows the listener to participate via parallels to their own experiences of loneliness and faith."

Cook, happily: "Also, it rocks! I get to sing the high notes!  Let's play it!" Band: "Yaaaaaaay!" They rock out. The snow falls.

Taylor Hicks: "Everytime a bell rings, an angel gets his aaaaahhhh f*ck it.  I happen to *like* Broadway."

Somewhere, two fans are exchanging gift-wrapped presents.  Fan 1:  "Awwwww, you got me David Cook The Record for Christmas!" Fan 2: "And you got *me* David Cook The Record for Christmas! Ha hah ah ha ha! GOLD, B*TCHES!!!!!"

Merry Christmas. Chanuka Sameach.  All other holidays, rock on!

And Happy Birthday.

"The life that I knew, it’s through
And I’m gonna need you more than ever. "

Life on the Moon
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NOTES

This fan report is dedicated to FoolsApril64 whose archive is an awesome way to revisit the Year of the Cook, and whose generosity and hard work for the crazy fans of David Cook cannot be praised enough.  Thanks, Lisa.

1)Men's Fitness

2) Cook and Doctor HYSMLC

3) Dick in a Box

4) Man in a Box

5) Cook Best Year Ever

6) America Idol Cook promo: "Dreams Begin Again"

7) TWOP

Hillary Clinton gets the best present ever

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