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LIGHT ON THE REMIX - A Fan Report of Totally Accurate Truth by kaydeecee

Inspired out of fannish love and ENAN1718 "High Notes of David Cook" compilations.

Morning, New York City.

Cook skateboards happily into the recording studio, eyes shiny, cute little hat perched jauntily on the back of his head.

"Look guys, I've made a few changes to the lyrics of Light On, can we run through it?"

The band looks warily at each other. Cook's Publicist is present, anxious clutching a clipboard.

Cook steps up to the mike, unleashing the voice of Red Bull and throaty passion.

Never really said too much
'Bout my awesome voice and such
Would make the other singers sulk
When there's no point in pouting
Doesn't matter anyway
Those B*TCHES CANNOT SING THIS WAY
They're always gonna lose the race
With my awesome shouting!

(Chorus)

Try to hit the HIGH NOTES like I do
Cornell couldn't HACK it, so he's screwed.
Only *I * can sing it right
Enormous height
Of my notes is too cool.
Try to hit the HIGH NOTES like I do
Epic fail's a SURE thing, quite true
When others fail the same, just share your shame
You won't feel so alooooooooone. (1)

Publicist is waving frantically, the music stops.

Cook: "What? It's great, huh?"

Publlicist: "Dave, uh . . . . this is that problem we talked about? You know, the S, M, U . . "

Cook: "Smurf?"

Publicist: "NO, not Smurf! SMUG, David. Smug. Overconfident. People love a winner, but they'll jump all over you if they think you're too c*cky!"

Cook hands her People's Sexiest Bachelors issue: "My mouth is pretty. Everybody says so." (2)

Publicist: "Yes, yes it is, but that's NOT the point. You can't just go out there and sing about how awesome you are!"

Cook: "But I *am* awesome!" He hits her up with the big smile, crinkled eyes, tilted-back head and friendly laugh.

Publicist: "Oooooh, shiny!!! I was saying what now? Wait, NO! You're not getting away with that AGAIN. I'm serious, Cook. We have to tone it down. You've were doing so well with your public image as the modest, grounded bartender from Missouri. What's gotten into you?"

Cook: "I've stopped reading anything but DavidCookOfficial.com. Those guys LOVE me. Look, they made 1 million posts about me. There's even sparkly banners. They send me cookies and taquitos and mix tapes and get tattoos of me. I feel great! It's all love, all the time."

Publicist: "Damn those DCO fans. They're f***ing insane! God, it's only two weeks to SNL! We have to bring him back down to earth somehow. Doesn't anybody have any ideas?"

Tiemann: "Well, we don't like to do this except in extreme cases . . . " He nods to Skib, who leads Cook from the studio.

A few minutes later, from the next room, comes the sound of Cook wailing.

Publicist, nervously: "What is he doing?"

Tiemann, grimly: "Showing him a tape of Top 24 Week on Idol."

Cook, faintly: "Nooooooooo! My hair! And the . . . the winking!" (3)

Will it work, folks? Can Cook reach emotional equilibrium in time for the show? Will OUR FANNISH LUV destroy our scruffy object of devotion?????

Footnotes:
(1) Try it! It's true. You cannot sing it. Or these.
(2) Also true.
(3) Sadly . . . But it was all for the best. Our underdog strategy required serious sacrifices. And taquitos.

Big love to ENAN1718! Pinoy Fans represent!

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