Last Monday I got a text message that I was afraid would at some point show up in my inbox. My older sister texted me telling me that he boyfriend had proposed. I immediately threw my phone to the foot of my bed and ignored the message. Let me explain something about both my sister and her “fiancé”.
My sister and I always had a shaky relationship; I get along a good bit better with my younger sister. Katie (my older sister) is two years older then I am so she was the first child to go away to college. She entered college what would be 5 years ago this August. While at college she would have her boyfriend come down and visit all the time. Well about two months before college ended her boyfriend broke up with her. Apparently during those few weeks she was introduced to a guy name Tim by a friend from back home. She came home from school and from that moment things were never the same. That summer her and my parents fought all the time until it climaxed in the middle of July with her moving out to live with this Tim man. Well that obviously did not go over well with my parents but their only saving grace was the fact that she was going back to school for her sophomore year. Unbeknown to my parents she had no intention on returning to college. She told my parents at the end of the summer (about a week before she was to move in) that she was not returning. Over the next few months we would see her every once and a while. She a few times talked to my mom about bruises that she got while horsing around with her boyfriend.
Another side note, I am the responsible child. From the moment that my sister moved out I took on a responsible role in my parents life. Especially with my mom both my parents felt open to talk to me about the problem that my parents were having with her. I can handle it (most of the time) and I know that it give my parents comfort to know that they didn’t “mess” up with all of their daughters.
So after a few bruises and conversations that I knew were happening between my parents my mom and I talked about how we both thought that she was being abused by Tim. So months passed any every time “random” bruises would show up my mom would question her and obviously she would deny all of it. That was until the night of the Oscars in 2006. It had been about 9 months that she had been living with him and she came home crying that night. I remember this night and always will. Honestly I don’t remember if she came home that night because she was living at the house again or if it was because they broke up. But she was torn over the situation. I remember my parents sitting and I knew secretly that they were happy that they had broken up. Then she walked into the family room where we were watching the Oscars. She bent down to grab her computer and I noticed that she had a fat lip. He had hit her, again but at least this time she admitted it.
So time when by and she finally realize that he was no good. I don’t remember the reason but she ended up back with him until one night in May she asked my Dad to meet her at the local emergency room because he had kicked her in the stomach. I went with my Dad to meet her so that I could drive her car back to the house. She that night filed a restraining order against the guy. Months later while the restraining order was still in place he contacted her. Needless to say my parents went to court over it. By this time it was the fall of 2006 into the winter of 2007.
I was at college and everything was going well, she was living at home and she had meet another guy. The relationship between her and the new guy worked for a long time, and they even got engaged. Then in the summer of 2007 they suddenly broke it off. He didn’t like the relationship that she was keeping with another ex-boyfriend who she really was just friends with. I went back to school for my sophomore year and everything seemed to be on track as possible. Until one night in the fall my mom told me that she was back with Tim. Yes back with the man who had hit her, gotten a restraining order put against him and been brought to court. She claims that he has changed.
Now in the past year and a half no one in the family has seen any sight of abuse. But my family has affectionately developed the name of the “a$$ hole” for him. Everyone did their part from trying to discourage the relationship from my aunt talking to her at Thanksgiving about how the family will never accept him to me not allowing him to ride in the same car as me. (He wanted to go to the Seneca Niagara Casino the night of the David Concert and I refused). But then I got the text message. It took over 24 hours and a long phone conversation with my mom to form an answer to her text message. When she called me (she called to tell me that we need to go to another David concert…I just laughed). I told her that if it makes her happy then good, but there was a pause in the conversation and I asked her “what else do you want me to say, I don’t approve of it but if he makes you happy then he makes you happy”
Here I sit Sunday, almost a week after the message and I still don’t know what to do. I know that she is going to want me to take part in the wedding but I don’t want to. I feel that I will be condoning the marriage if I participate. On the other hand I love my sister. You hear stories of abuse when you are younger. You hear about the women who are too blinded to see that the relationship is toxic for them. Could he really have changed? I don’t think so. I am just really afraid. There has not been signs of abuse in a while, but even though he “loves” her does not mean that he won’t hit her again. It’s one of the tough choices in life because if I help her in the wedding or take part and then something happens I will feel that didn’t help as much as I could have. I also feel bad because if he has changed then my family is putting in a situation where she has to chose between the one that she “loves” and her family. That is tough.
God help me and my family through this. Also I hope that if my sister does go through with it that he really has changed. And I purposely put things in quotes.