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 Swagga Like Us, or,  Happiness Is a Warm Grenade Launcher

Warning: bad language, rap music, Battlestar Galactica spoilers.  Possible offense to terrorists and fans of last year's American Idol runner-up.

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Osama Bin Laden Secret Lair, Somewhere Not So Nice

American Idol Season 7 broadcast, February, 2008

Osama Bin Laden:  "This American Idol televison show is the product of decadent, corrupt Western democracy. The very name of it is blasphemous!  Nonetheless, it is clear that Archuleta is the best, and must certainly win.  His voice! So pure! "

Taliban Minion Fan: "Sir, surely the results are unpredictable!  There are many months of competition to come! And the voters have yet to dial."

OBL:  "Nonsense! How many times must I explain to you! Democracy is merely a false illusion offered by the Western puppet-masters!  Cowell is most surely the spawn of Satan,  but his word is law! He has said that the other paltry contestants must tremble before the power of Archuleta, and so it will be."

American Idol Season 7 broadcast, March , 2008

OBL:  "The choice of Phil Collins was perhaps ill-advised, but no matter! "

Taliban Minion Fan:   "Sir, what of David Cook? His passionate delivery of Billie Jean has surely tipped the balance of the competition!"

OBL:  "What?? That slovenly singer of decadent rock music? He has spat upon the heritage of Lionel Richie! He has defiled the face of Michael Jackson!  The Archuleta shall triumph. It is written."

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American Idol Season 7 broadcast, April, 2008

Taliban Minion Fan, mutinously:  :Cook's revision of Always Be My Baby was moving and lyrically apt! How can Archuleta essentially deliver the same performance week after week with no criticism! It defies fairness!"

Osama Bin Laden: "How many time must I tell you, Fashir.  This is not a fan site.    We do not indulge in unseemly crushes and illogical defenses of these heretics.  No rock singer has ever won American Idol, and Cook will certainly not succeed where the Bice and the Daughtry have failed before.  He is so very shouty."

Taliban Minion Fan:  "Yes, and you also said the weakling Americans would never dare retaliate if we blew up their buildings.  Back before we were all living in caves."

A sudden silence falls upon the cave. Other Talibani back slowly away.

OBL, crisply: "Take him away."

As armed guards drag Fashir from the room, he pumps his fist  "David Cook rocks!!!! Cook FTMFW!!!'"

Sound of gunfire.

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American Idol Season 7 broadcast, Final Two,  May 2008

Osama Bin Laden, faux casually: "Oh. Achmed.  Bring me the phone, will you?"

Achmed:  "Sir! We have spent years carefully concealing your whereabouts.  The Americans have satellites and voice recognition software capable of detecting you anywhere on earth as soon as they pick up your voice transmission.  They will bust a nuke on our *ss as soon as they pinpoint our location."

OBL:  "But! It is so difficult to sit here. And not to act.  Not to make my will known on the side of right, and good, and Dan Fogelburg covers! Perhaps . . . Perhaps . . . that one vote might make a difference?"

Achmed:  "You have said it yourself.  Voting is a false illusion.  The results are predetermined. You heard the words of the judges.  Archie is a sure thing!"

American Idol Season 7 broadcast, Finale,  May 2008

TV: "And the winner is  . . .. David . . . Cook!

Campaign trail, somewhere in America, May 2008:

Hilary Clinton: "F*ck yeah! Least one of us knew how to get some voters to lay back and spread 'em."
Bill Clinton: "Uh Hil.  Ixnay on the language-ay.  The Secret Service boys is right outside."
HRC: "Oh hell, they love it.  Honey, less go to bed.  And would you mind not shaving? And look at me sort of . . . smug-like?"

Cave of Osama Bin Laden

All:  "Aiiiiiiieeeeee!!!  Noooooooooooo! "

Tabouleh, stuffed grape leaves and bullet casings fly everywhere as the sobbing fanatics tumble about.

Osama: "How could they! How could they vote for him! He doesn't even shave!

Minion:  "Sir, neither do we!"

OBL:  "SILENCE!!!!   David Cook. You have not heard the last of me!!!!! You shall taste the torments of hell itself!"

David Cook, from television:  "Watch all the bitterness buuuuuuurn!!!"

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Camp Freedom, Iraq, January 2009

Joey Clement: "If you grew up with holes in ya zapatos
You'd be celebrating the minute you was havin' dough
I'm like f*ck critics you can kiss my whole *sshole
If you don't like my lyrics you can press fast forward
I got beef with radio if i don't play they show
They don't play my hits i don't give a s*** SO"

. . . I got 99 Problems an a b**** ain't one." (Throws gang sign!)

David Cook: "I have to admit, I'm impressed.  Who knew?"

Clement: "I have layers."

Cook:  "Anyway, guys, back to the set list.  We've got the uplift and the respect covered with Heroes and Light On.  We need an inspiring, patriotic song to sing out the troops with: It's between "Born In the USA" and "Sometimes you have to f*ck her gently."  

The band confers.

Humvee Patrol Zebra, streets of Bahgdad

Soldier 1: "Look, what's on the screen is what's on the screen.  It's *canon*, man. You're just mad because you spent four years fanwanking this thing and just got Joss'd.  Deal with it."

Soldier 2:  "ELLEN IS NOT THE TWELFTH CYLON! That makes NO f*cking sense. Maybe it's all an elaborate plan by the showrunners to distract us from their TRUE plans.  Sarge, am I right? Am I right?"

Sarge: "Son, ever heard of Occam's Razor? It's the philosophical principal, first articulated by the medieval theologian William of Occam, which states the the simplest explanation is the most likely.  It simpler to suppose that Ronald Moore has simply made a somewhat controversial creative choice as to the resolution of the central Battlestar mystery then suppose an elaborate plan of ambiguation . . . just to mislead the audience.

It's like all the time you spend on last year's American Idol, trying to convince us all that there was a comple conspiracy to defeat David Cook. Look, the most straightforward explanation is that Simon Cowell had bad taste, period.  The diss on Cook's "The World I Know" was not an elaborate plot to throw the competition to the Other David. "

Soldie 2:   "But!!!!   . . . Hey, who are those guys?"

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The Cook Jihaad Squad, VW Bus, streets of Bagdad

Assassin 1:  "No one on the corner have swagger like us
Swagger like us, swagger swagger like us!"

Assassin 2:  "Swagger on a hundred thousand, trillion
Ayo I know I got it first
I'm Christopher Columbus, y'all just the pilgrims!"

Assassin 3: "My brothers, is it not infidelious of us to even be listening to this music?"

Assassin 1: "So long as it infuses us with righteous energies to complete our mission, my comrades, it is permitted!

Rules as follows stay true to the ghetto
Write your name on the bullet make you feel special
Haaa!

Assassin 3: "Aaaaagggh, keep your eyes on the road, dog son!"

There is confusion as the Jihaadi VW bus collides with Humvee patrol.

Assassin 1, climbing from the wreckage: "Yes.  No problem sir. We are on our way to my cousins' to, uhm, hold a sewing bee."

Soldier 1: "Sarge, check out what's in this knapsack!"

Soldier 2: "Look, they had maps to camp Freedom! And Weapons! And photos of American Idol winner David Cook!"

Jihaadi in unison:" Death the the infidel Cook!"

Assassin 1: "Oops!"

Soldier 1: "I told you! I told you! It's a conspiracy! Wait'll I tell the guys back on idolforum."

After the foiled assassions are safely delivered to custody.

Sarge, signing on to his computer and typing:  "You guys! Tonight's the night! I still can't believe that David Cook's gonna be right here in Camp Freedom! You better bet I'm gonna get right up against the stage.  Squeeeee!

Also, I'm a little worried about the security situation, so I sent some of our guys with a present for David."

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Cave of OBL, the present day

Minion: "Sir, our elite squad of Cook Jihaad have been captured!"

OBL: "No matter.  We will plan a fresh assault. The Idol is going on tour, no? The answer is simple.  Obtain tickets to a David Cook concert! He will never elude his destruction now!"

Soon:
Minions chorus:  "Aiiiiiiieeeeeeeeee! Sold out in six minutes! This is Impossible!!!!!"

Minion 1: "Sir, bad news.  Despite having twenty minions typing furiously on tweny laptops, it has proved almost impossible to secure tickets to a David Cook show.  Clearly it is all part of a clever scheme to foil our assault.

We were able to succeed only in a single case.  Two tickets to a show in someplace known only as  . . .  East Assonwear!"

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Nightime, Washington, DC,  February 2009

Closeup on a ringing phone.  A hand--a familiar hand!--reaching for that phone!

 Sleepy Hillary Clinton: "Yes, this is the Prez . . . er,  Secretary of State. Whassup?"

"Mam, you asked us to let you know if this were ever to occur.  We're afraid there is a threat.  A threat . . . to DAVID COOK."

Hillary Clinton: "I'm on it.  Get my plane."

Bill Clinton: "Awww, not again."

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Peeps, what will happen next? When road-tripping fans with a grudge,  the global anti-Cook conspiracy, and one college-touring Band converge, in one sweet-ass tewer stop, somewhere . . . where American higher education, Pabst beer, and fandom collide.

To be Continued?

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Footnotes

Archie fan meltdown
99 Problems
Tenacious D Gently
Swagga Like Us Occam's Razor
Grenade Launcher

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