Teachable Moment: Tiemann Cook Instructional Series 1

 An increasingly ludicrous fan report by kaydeecee

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Guys, guys, I found some lost footage that was cut from the "Light On Challenge!' It's all right here!

Prequel:

Light On Lesson & Challenge

Robots

Mustard

Lesson 1: Cookery

The scene opens.  We see DAVID COOK and NEAL  TIEMANN wearing chefs' toques and standing in a kitchen.  Cook is rapidly chopping asparagus  while Tiemann glumly guts a salmon.

"Hi guys! David Cook, here . . . It's been so awesome to see such a plethora of my favorite fans, frenemies, and stalkers join my website!  So I've been thinking of ways to expand the fanbase even further, and I thought it would be cool to do some sort of contest with a creative learning type component!  I'll do a lesson, and then you guys will each try it at home and put up videos of the results! And it will turn into a viral thing and be completely awesome!"

Cooks, smiling adorably and waving a large, sharp knife around as his guitarist edges away:  "First up, cooking! Cause if I have to put up with all these bad puns on my name, why not turn it to a positive! Plus, as I was saying to Men's Fitness magazine just the other day I am ALL ABOUT the health food.  Forget taquitos, asparagus and salmon are like my new peanut butter and jelly"

Tiemann is looking skeptically at Cook.  Cook smiles ingratiatingly at Tiemann: "And this is my guitarist, Neal! I brought Neal along to help out and uh, make me look good!"

Tiemann, patiently: "Anytime, Dave."

"OK, here we go! First we make a piperade of asparagus! Then we froth some squid ink! Then we drone out a nice beurre blanc . . .!" As flour, butter, squid parts amd asparagus fly everywhere, the scene becomes increasingly chaotic.  The bespattered rock star gropes blindly amidst a crowd of ingredients and emerges with a bottle of MUSTARD.  He staggers back, screaming.

Calmly, the illustrated guitarist removes the offensive condiment and throws it out the window.

Cook, weakly: "M . . M . . mustard. Do. Not. Want."

Tiemann: "Perhaps, Dave, we should attempt a different topic. Something a little more in our repetoire."

Lesson 2: Abdominal Surgery

The scene opens.  We see DAVID COOK and NEAL  TIEMANN dressed in surgical scrubs and standing in an operating bay.

"Hi guys! David Cook here! I figured, what the hell, if I can master national television, a fifty city tour, and making a record all in less then a year, why not this? It's not brain surgery! Ha. Careful trying this at home, though. Be surely to thoroughly sterilize!"

Tiemann is looking skeptically at Cook.  Cook smiles ingratiatingly at Tiemann: "And this is my guitarist, Neal! I brought Neal along to help out and uh, make me look good!"

Tiemann, patiently: "Anytime, Dave."

 As the recently-minted RCA recording artist gropes rummages hopefully in the abdomen of the unconcious patient (who is wearing a medical gown marked "Intern: 19E"), lights begin flashing and alarms whooping as various important life signs plunge downward.  Calmly, his facially-puncutated guitarist plunges his hands into the patient's guts and removes a bloody liver, deftly swapping in a fresh one.

A secretary sticks her head into the room: "Mr. Cook, call for you from Sony legal team! They say what you're  proposing is totally illegal . . . and Oh My God! Is that Intern Steve?!!?"

Tiemann: "Life signs have stabilized.  Pretty much."

Cook: "OK, not my best concept.  I'm thinking we need to go a little simpler."

Lesson 3:   Handyman

Approximately fifteen hundred pieces belonging to a six piece IKEA dining room set are spread out on the studio floor.

We see DAVE COOK cheerfully weilding a screwdriver and  wearing a t-shirt that has, it looks like, magpies on it.  Don't know what he is thinking, there. Or the magpies.

"Hi guys! David Cook, here . . . since I won American Idol, the two things people are always asking me are, "how do you play your hit song, Light On, and can you help me with my seductively cheap but fiendishly difficult DIY home furnishings," so naturally I thought we'd start with the latter.  I just brought my guitarist, Neal,  along to, uh, help me assemble all this."

"Något, Dave."

Moving rapidly, the guitarist artfully assembles the defiant Scandinavian furniture kit.  For the first time in human history, there are no parts left over.  Somewhere near Stockholm, a Swedish design team explodes.

Cook: "That was amazing.  But I dunno, it just doesn't scream "rock band" to me. Plus, who are we kidding? The fans are never gonna be able to do that at home.  Hmmm, what to do, what to do."

Lesson  4 :  Playing "Light On."

 . . . . as the gracefully delivered guitar lesson and acoustic duet of "Light On" conclude, DAVID COOK and NEAL TIEMANN are looking adorable.

Cook, winding up:  "So, that's essentially it , I hope you guys enjoy it and have fun with it, can't wait to see what you come up with! And Cut!"

Cook: "Wow, that went great! This is definitely the one we should go with! Steve, thanks for the help filming!"

Intern, clutching bandaged middle: "No  . . . problem . . . ouch."

Tiemann:  "This challenge is going to lead to some real disasters, but not quite as bad as the others."
 
Scene 2

Secret Den of Robot Cook Fans

As the scene opens, we see that that one robot is processing thousands of votes for the "VH-1 Top 20" while swivelling an electronic eye to watch the "Playing Light On Video Challenge."

Robot 1: "This thing we must do."

Robot 2: "How many times must I repeat, we are here to conquer Earth, not pursue foolish interest in fuzzy human rockstar."

Robot 1:  "This IS part of mission, I tell you.  Cook's activities provides valuable lesson in how to conquer human world! Recall how skillfully he bested evil Cowell!"

Robot 2: "Please do not be replaying crying human video again. That data is already in my memory banks."

Robot 1: "What if he is actually one of us? This would explain many things! Please to listen to "Expending Energy" song."

Plays "Light On" video as David Cook belts,  "When the wires cross in my brain!" as his digital fan waves pneumatic claws estatically in the air. "See? Cook unit has read my blog!  Is "shout out" to us!"

Robot 2 looks unwillingly interested.  As guitarist NEAL TIEMANN is shown in video, its robotic eye lights up. "Who is this one?  He is pleasingly . . . metallic."

Robot 1: "Is Tiemann unit, lead guitarist!  Is part of contest!"

Robot 2: "If we enter challenge, Tiemann will view entry? "

Robot 1:"Undoubtedly."

Robot 2: "Is on! We shall crush puny human competitors."

Fans, what will happen!?! Who will win the Light On Challenge? Will our boys survive viewing the entries?  The suspense---it burns!!!!

!!! SPECIAL FAN REPORT CHALLENGE SECTION!!!

OK, maybe your chances of winning the Light On Challenge are slim to none.  So here is a totally meaningless contest just for my readers.

1) Who is David Cook's favorite silent film star? Evidence to go on: one blurry still of some old-fashioned chick in a hat. Possibly selected at random by the intern editing the video.

2) What is Neal Tiemann's favorite film of all time? Evidence: none.

 Enter your guess in the forum thread! Best answer  wins the completely fictional prize of a box of frozen taquitos.

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UPDATE DEC 10th

AND WE HAVE A WINNER! For the ridiculous made-up FAN REPORT bonus question and imaginary prize.

The great Archucookie (the Fan with the Most Daring User Name of all) has definitively and absolutely proved--based on little or made-up evidence, in the great tradition of the Absolutely Accurate Fan Report ---that Charlie Chaplin is David Cook's favorite silent film start.

See her proof!

She wins the completely fictional prize of a box of frozen taquitos!!

Also, since no one guessed the triple bonus question: "Based on no evidence at all, what is Neal Tiemman's favorite film?" I will tell you the answer: it is The Illustrated Man

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