Tour Trek - The Wrath of Fahn - A Mobile Fan Report from Kaydeecee
FEBRUARY 5, 2009, 9:07 pm
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Tour Trek: The Wrath of Fahn
Scene: Feb 30, 2009
East Assonowear, USA - A snowy highway on the way to East Assonowear Community College
Andy Skib: "Explain to me what we're doing here again."
David Cook: "What's more all-American then going to college in a s***ty little town that fills you with frustration and unfulfilled longing?
Trapped for four years, or five as the case may be, in some burgh with a thousand other kids, a neurotic faculty, and some townsfolk who hate your guts, with no entertainment in sight but the requisite college a capella group getting laid for committing doo-whop on Elvis Costello tunes, man! If it weren't for that, who'd ever get any studying done? I get all nostalgic and ethereal just thinking about it."
Skib: "I thought you said you spent college booking Axium gigs and riding up and down the aisles of Walmart on children's bicycles?"
Cook: "True dat. But I still think the college circuit's fertile grounds for our first tour! Simon Fuller says we need to test out our sales appeal before trying bigger markets. At least we know our loyal fans will be patient with us while we work the bugs out of the whole touring thing."
Neal Tiemann: "We are counting on the reasonableness and self-restraint of your fans, Dave?"
Joey Clement: "Are we totally screwed?"
Dublin: "Aye, lad, we're utterly buggered."
Kyle Peek: "Drink! What, I'm legal now!"
---
Scene: A month previous. Feb 1, 2009
Cook Fan Basement
Fan 1, typing furiously.
Fan 2: "Whatcha doing there?"
Fan 1: " Making plans for my local fan peeps to converge for the Cook concert of course! We're gonna be needing a lot of Koolaid."
Fan 2: "Wait, did they release the tour dates?"
Fan 1, waving hand: "No, but it's ok! I totally PM'd him about hitting our town. I included a Google Map. I even let him know I have off Wednesdays and Fridays so he'll know exactly when to book. Fridays are a lil better 'cause I won't have to Tivo Lost, but, if he picks Wednesdays it's OK. I'm big that way."
Fan 2: "Uh, but won't . . . lots of people be wanting to come to every state? And isn't this like the starter tour? You know, hit small venues, prove their marketability in a rough economy, gain key bargaining leverage and good press to negotiate a bigger tour . . ."
Fan 1: "Well, but you are failing to understand the most important thing of all, which is Me. I have always been sure that David knows that I'm his BIGGEST FAN. I tell him often enough. Wait, here they are! The tour dates! (Gasps)
What! Is! This!"
Fan 2: "Huh. It looks like that college tour he talked about."
Fan 1: "BUT I AM NOT A COLLEGE STUDENT. THOSE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT ME. COOK! You heartless bastard!!!! "
Phone: ring! ring! "Meep! Hi guys! This is David Cook! I'm really sorry I can't come personally on this tewer to everybody's home town, but I want you to know I've received all your messages, and I totally hear you! And in reply I want to say SUCK IT UP! No, ha ha ha, just kiddin'. What I mean to say is, love you all and one day soon I hope to be coming your way! Later taters! Meep!"
Fan 2: "Wow, he's robocalling the entire fanbase. That must have taken some impressive data mining."
Fan, bitterly: "Nice try, Cook! This can mean only ONE thing. Vengeance. Get my keys, and summon the others. This is a road trip, b*tches."
TO BE CONTINUED?
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Comments for this Blog post
The Desperate Need of Updated Fan Reports
i have gone back to reread all the fan reports of totally accurate truth. good satire is hard to come back...and it's a slow summer.... where has kaydeecee gone? i am in need of truthiness and sarcasticism. i will leave a light on if you come back to me.
--
you made me fall forever, with no end in sight...
Very interesting
I love it! I've written stuff like this before--- but it's not nearly as witty. Great job
--
Tara
ROFL
Oh my god, I am laughing so hard my sides are hurting. You have captured it totally. Nice writing.
WAY TOO SHORT!!
Uh-oh, sorry -- my title sounds like Fan#1... Honest, I'm really not complaining, just hope you can keep us posted on David & EEB's hijinks throughout the entire tour. Will be waiting for the next installment with bated breath. You have such a knack for making us see the absurdity in our knee-jerk reactions to being "slighted" by the object of our affections. Love ya!
~Glen (the female variety)
I love these reports!
I needed a great laugh this afternoon! Thank you!
--
Susan
Wherever you go, there you are.
irony
Fri, 02/06/2009 - 18:28 — Kitunen I love how you always make light of the goings-on at DCO. You know, the exact second that I read the line "COOK! You heartless bastard!!!!", Permanent came on my iPod, which was on shuffle...how ironic. No lie.
That part? Not so funny. It's only a fringe, but the folks who have managed to work themselves into a state of rage and bitterness -- and victimization --because they're not *first* to see a singer they like? When you think about people's lives for real? Not so funny.
But working one self into a counter-frustration would be equally crazy. Aristotle said that the way humor works is that we laugh at the fools being made fun of, and then notice the gaps in our own behavior, and where we are foolish, too. So laughter promotes wisdom. And maybe, perspective.
Wow, looks at self in mirror: pompous! Back to talking dogs now.
-- kaydeecee Totally Accurate Fan Reports at davidcookofficial.com/user/kaydeecee | Totally Irrational Fan Number One Gross
Brava!
I love how you always make light of the goings-on at DCO. You know, the exact second that I read the line "COOK! You heartless bastard!!!!", Permanent came on my iPod, which was on shuffle...how ironic. No lie.
--
Self conscious to a fault,
With hollow people everywhere.
Summon us anytime!
"Summon the others." I love it! Hilarious again as usual. It's great that you poke fun at us nuts here in the Fandom as well.
I have to show some love to this:
Fan 2: "Wow, he's robocalling the entire fanbase. That must have taken some impressive data mining."
HEE.
(Also, I can, erm, totally see myself saying that. In between bouts of head-desking.)
On point as usual, m'dear.
Love it
Kaydeecee--you are amazing...look forward to all your installments.
Love it that Dublin got a line---he is one of the guys now.
Brilliant!
You never fail to make me laugh so hard when I read your Fan Reports ..... hilarious and so on point! Can't wait for the next installment!!!!!
--
Kaz
Brilliant!
Ya, fan #1 reads this little scenario, scratches head and thinks, I don't get this. I don't get this at all. This isn't funny, this is serious. He isn't coming to see ME. Why isn't he coming to see ME? Why is this funny? Why are people laughing? I JUST DON"T GET IT! And on and on.....lol. Seriously, I hope they see the light and put on a scent with some new attitude. You are hilarious. Thanks for lightening things up here.
I resemble that remark! No, not the one about the fan...
"What's more all-American then going to college in a s***ty little town that fills you with frustration and unfulfilled longing?
Trapped for four years, or five as the case may be, in some burgh with a thousand other kids, a neurotic faculty, and some townsfolk who hate your guts, with no entertainment in sight but the requisite college a capella group getting laid for committing doo-whop on Elvis Costello tunes, man! If it weren't for that, who'd ever get any studying done? I get all nostalgic and ethereal just thinking about it."
Hey, that WAS my college experience--in rural Michigan, replete with a really active men's music fraternity, bitter townies, and slightly-crazed professors. We were so small, we could only get musical acts like MWK to come play for us. Who were those guys, anyway?
Awesome, kaydeecee, as usual. Can't wait for the rest of the story!
oh my god...
... that was awesome!!! Started snorting (cos I'm at work and should not be checking this out here at all, but if they fire me over DC it'll be worth it) at "nostalgic and ethereal", it was just all too funny! will definitely check back for the next chapter!!! boldly going where no wordnerd has gone before!!!
Plus yes, the fans should really lighten up... think of me and my pals, all the way in Italy, we might not get our Cookie-fix before 2010!!!
Hugs all!
Cheers!
Cheers on getting it right. people seriously need to calm the eff down and let him 'spread his wings' as the saying goes.
--
*~ (BIO)LOGY WORD NERD 2008 ~*
Carrot & Peas Word Hero 94
FANGurl 26
Clementine 41
Android 49
Peek-a-boo 50
Brainiac 25
Bwahahahahahaha
I knew this was going to make my day! This is way too funny. I also loved Sybil Trelawney's additions. She made the same connection I did - the Klingons (nee Cling-ons) ARE the fans.
--
Irrational Fan #Δ
Too Short!
I want more! (tm Pauler) I want more Tour Trek! I love these 'fan reports' - you rawk kaydeecee.
Sybil T - Scotty Dublin FTW! btw, is he crushing on Tatiana or does he want to bite her ankles? LOL
When will the RL, bound copy of perfectly accurate reports be available?
Perfect! I started laughing at Feb. 30 and didn't stop...hopefully you won't either - stop writing these I mean.
Bwaha!
Hey!!! I'm Fan #2!!!! I believe Mr. Cook IS coming to my basement!!! I'll even give them some bread and peanut butter!!! Meat tray might be too expensive for me in the economy though!
--
Siggy by Alyycook!
I love you, kaydeecee
That is hysterical!
Perfect
Yes you nailed it again. Hilarious.
I pray that DC & EEB have these stellar reports sent to them. I'm sure they are your biggest fans.
You are one of the best things on DCO. Can't wait for the follow on. Intelligent, accurate and funny, funny, funny.
Bwah!
Love it, KDC. So uh, where are the Klingons? *toothy grin*
--
Pinoy fans represent!
Ethereal mythos alright
You've nailed it again . . . can't wait to read the next missive from the star bus.
--
Northeast Missouri Cougar #40 N (non-predatory!) www.david-cook.org
I LOVE This!!!
Very funny, Kayceedee! I got a good chuckle out of that one!
--
I feel alive beside you
And all at once, I am whole again
We fall into each other
Your atmosphere is all I’m breathing in
SO FUNNY!!!!!!!! SO FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
KEEP IT COMING!!!
You are soooooo funny!! Love it!
You've even got Dublin in there!!!
Tears of laughter pouring down my cheeks!
You. are.hilarious!
You Win!
Neal Tiemann: "We are counting on the reasonableness and self-restraint of your fans, Dave?"
Joey Clement: "Are we totally screwed?"
Dublin: "Aye, lad, we're utterly buggered."
This is full of so much WIN! You Rock. Hardcore!
If David was Captain Kirk
David: Scotty, we need more power. The Cling-ons are catching up to us. You have no idea what they'll do to me if they capture me.
Dublin: Cap'n, I canna change the laws o' physics.
David: Scotty, why are the engines always crapping out on us when a dangerous enemy horde is on our tail.
Dublin: The engines aren't crappin' out, Cap'n. I'm crappin' out, becuz Tatiana keeps comin' on our teevee.
David: Stop watching Tatiana and get working on those engines!
Dublin: Never fear, Cap'n. Sulu and I will nev'r let'em get to ya.
David: Just get the warp engines back on line.
--
Sybil Trelawney
The TWOPer Formerly Known As 12thcylon and pandora173
Number 1669
Hee
Neal Tiemann: "We are counting on the reasonableness and self-restraint of your fans, Dave?"
Joey Clement: "Are we totally screwed?"
Bwahahahahaha!
Spot on!
--
--AheadofStraight
π + e
Dublin The Voice Of Reason
"Aye, lad, we're utterly buggered."
I'm so happy that David can consult with a talking puppeh.
--
Jai_S .....It's not rock if it's not Red Bull and throaty passion.
Hanging on for what happens next ...........
You always get it just right.
Thanks for making me laugh...............again.
--
Lost my train of thought in Cookie nirvana.
Oh the suspense
This was great - Thank you for the laughs.
Must continue
Hee, jeez, you didn't have to sugar coat everything!
David Cook: "What's more all-American then going to college in a s***ty little town that fills you with frustration and unfulfilled longing?
Is that a slutty little town? Cause that's what I did.
Well, I hope you will continue this and let us fans know what we are going to do next now that even the shows we are willing to drive a ridculous amount of time to get to are selling out.
OK, call me fan #3 or whatever.
To be continued....
What? How am I supposed to go to sleep now? ... oh oh.. I sounded just too much as Fan #1 (embarrasing face).
And I, in turn...
... began laughing at Joey Clement: Are we totally screwed?
You are continuing this saga, aren't you? Say yes, Kaydeecee, say yes!!!!!!
--
Totally Irrational Fan Number: 6.626 x 10^-34
David Cook: My Drug and My Anti-Drug.
:D
To be continued?? Ack, don't leave us hanging like that! lol
I'm sure I've said this before, but I love the way you've given each band member their own personality...even if they may be nothing like their *real* personalities. LOL
--
Rolling Out Across the Desert Word Hero #293
"If I could have a super power, I'd like the ability to...fly...so I can, you know?...soar...with...the birds."
Only got this far....
Neal Tiemann: "We are counting on the reasonableness and self-restraint of your fans, Dave?"
and started laughing! Plus, I wanted to make the first comment. Thanks again for the the laughs