Vacation, All I Ever Wanted - an Evidence-Free Fan Report from Kaydeecee

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Dave Cook is strolling along an ocean shore,  dressed for his day in the sun.  Given what he wore last summer, we don't want to know what that looks like.

Cook: "Alone at last! Can't believe it took so long to get away!"

He stops short as he notices a familiar looking jumble of amps, guitar cases and other gear by the tiki bar.

The members of the F*cking Great Band are seated at an cafe table, nursing fruity drinks with little umbrellas and wearing mankinis.

We learn a lot more about the Doctor's body art.

Kyle Peek: "I don't have to get my hair wet, do I?"

Joey Clement: "I really *want*  to learn to swim.  The citizens of South Dakota are saving up money to bring a major body of water to SD, but it's taking a while to sell enough buffalo jerky."

Andy Skib: "This job is starting to get on my last nerve.  Sure, we got to play Leno and Saturday Night Live and the Hard Rock NYC.  But I also had to play a Chris Cornell song in Mickey Mouse ears and read fanporn in which Neal and Dave and I have a three way, and trip over underwear all over the stage and it's all just getting a little odd."

The Doctor: "To be fair,  I don't think anyone MADE you read the fanporn, Andy."

Skib, ignoring him: "And now here we are on some remote exotic island chasing after Cook . . ."

Cook, interrupting: "Dudes. You know I love you.  But what the f*ck."

The Doctor: "Apologies Dave.  We decided that since you will be trapped in your hotel room for the remainder of your vacation, we could at least make use of the time for practice."

Cook: "What? Why would I be trapped in my hotel room?"

Clement: "Bad news, boss.  The location of your secret vacay totally leaked to the fans."

The Doctor: "In retrospect, it was a bad idea to taunt them by posting the message "you'll never find me now, b****es" to the top of your blog.  Especially in all caps."

Peek: "Yeah, and "Idol08" is a SUCKY password."

There is a droning sound overhead and the band looks up to see a lowflying plane dragging a huge We luv u Cook banner.  It's beginning to rain down parachuters!

Cook:  "Dammit, fans! Run for it, dudes!'

A short while later . . .

Cook and the band are on a balcony with a massed crowd of fans below.

Cook: "Look, let's have a little conversation here. . . "  A pair of pink panties hits him in the face.   "Great. Look guys . . ."

Fan 1: "What are these "boundaries" you speak of?"

Fan 2:  "Guys, I think I'm going into withdrawal!"  Starts shaking. Pukes.  Moans. Falls to the ground!  "Must . . . have . . . David Cook! "  A fellow fan kneels down beside the stricken fan, and places an ipod on her heaving chest and earbuds in her ears.  Strains of "Declaration" are heard as the fan begins to calm.

The fans continue to shout.  Chart thread fan: "We have updated the detailed Light On airplay charts for the end of the year and predicted the likely day and minute at which DCTR will go platinum to within 2 decimal places."

Robot fans: "We have perfected Light On cover and are now practicing Declaration! We will crush puny human competitors!"

Fan 1:  "For nigh on a year, we have faithfully followed you. Day upon night, night upon day, always with fresh links to follow to you, through Youtube and Flickr and blogs and VH1!   What are we going to do with several whole weeks without you?

Andy: "Well, you could GETALI-"

The Doctor: "Skib. Let us not be unduly harsh."   Makes hearthands to some fans, who go into an immediate trance.

Cook: "Neal, you're encouraging them!"

Fan 3: "Wow, get a load of the rest of Neal's tatts."

Fan 4:  "Is that Mr. Sixx? Very . . . vivid."

Cook to Tiemann: "Maybe you better put some pants on. And the rest of you too!" Noticing the plethora of cameras with zoom lenses coming out.

Fan crowd:  "But Cook! We've made another 200 fanvids set to Life on the Moon! And a quilt shaped like your guitar!  And I made this cake band portrait of all of you!

Clement:  "Wow, that really is remarkably detailed."

Skib: "And weird.  Don't forget weird."

Peek:  "How did they get Joey's curls like that in the frosting?  And Dave's beard?"

Cook, diplomatically: "Look folks, I love you and appreciate you.  It's just that there's a balance in everything. It's important for you to share your wonderful affection and enthusiasm and talents with your family, friends and community, not just on the band and me."

Fan 3: "Oh that's Ok.  I Cookified them. Now they're all Cook fans too."  Points to gaggle composed of husband, children, and neighbors. They wave to Cook.

Cook,  boggling: "All of them?"

Fan Husband 1: "Well, I'm kind of more into Andy.  Can you sing Hunger Strike a capella?"

Skib, flattered: "Well . . .  if Cook's up for it, then I . . . Wait, no! This is what I'm talking about! The constant weirdness! Here I am in a bathing suit . . "

Fans: "Whoot! Whoot!"

" . . .  contemplating singing Temple of the Dog to somebody's dad! What's next, is my grade school music teacher gonna show up to plead for us to cover Nirvana? "

Skib's grade school music teacher: "You go right ahead dear!"

The Doctor's music teacher: " . . . Shredded like nobody's business.  And he's so polite."

Clement 's music teacher: " . . . and then I told him, I hear tell Los Angeles is the place to be for the music industry.  Or Pierre."

Kyle Peek's high school principal: "I always knew Kyle would do well.  So precocious.  Why, landsakes, I I guessed it all the way back when he was in high school . . . the year before last, that was."

Mrs Gentry: "And don't they all sound nice together?"

Fans are churning around, tunelessly singing fragments of DCTR, waving glow sticks in the air, and looking for places to plug their laptop in and blog.  Outgoing Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice, famed Disney performer Pluto, and a gaggle of New York Mets players strike up an acoustic version of Time of My Life as the crowd mills and grows.  The situation is growing tense.

Cook: "Clearly, this isn't working! The fans aren't going anywhere! What should we do?"

Neal:  "I believe the phrase is, make a run for it. However, we will need a distraction."

Cook shouts: "Look, over there, the Loch Ness Monster!"

All the fans look expectantly at Cook's middle.

"Huh. That worked on Andrew Lloyd Webber."

Joey: "I have an idea!  Hey! Hey guys! Guys, what do you think the next single should be?"

Anguished cries ring out:  "Declaration!' "Avalanche!' "Rock snob!" "HAC slut!" "No you fool, Lie Lie Lie Lie Lie!" "Death to Come Back to Me and its minions!"

As rioting breaks out, palm trees sway and fall, ipods fly through the air, and cd jewel cases are trampled under foot. The band escapes.

Shortly, the band is being flown back to LA.  Gear strews the aisle.  The cake is there too. They are opening holiday presents.

Neal: "The Tao of Vai.  Thanks, Dave."

Kyle: "Hair scrunchies! And an autographed drumstick from Travis Barker!'

Andy: "Pants!"

Joey: "A Geddy Lee commerative action figure!"

Cook beams at  his happy band.

Joey: "These are great!  I like the little smilies on the labels.  But when did you find time to shop? I thought you said you haven't had a moment to yourself in six months?"

Cook looks a little guilty: "Well, technically, my brother Andrew did some shopping, but uh, I didn't think he'd mind if I kind of borrowed them and paid him back later."

Cell phone rings: " . . .Taste every moment, and LIVE IT out LOUD."  

"Hi Mom! He is? He called me what? But . . ."

Muttering from band: "Hey, Kyle, don't eat my face! Get your fingers out of my hair! Or I mean, of frosting me!"

Cook: "Guys, shut up! I'm on the phone here . . . uh oh, Mom, tell Andrew sorry, gotta go!"  The band fights.  Cake and frosting fly everywhere.  It is totally time for an awesome NEW YEAR!

Notes:
Chris Cornell meets Mickey Mouse ears (I can't believe this is actually awesome)
David Cook fan outgoing Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice
Chart nerds
Robot fans
David Cook and Loch Ness Monster
David Cook explains how to Christmas shop . . . with smiley 
Vai,  Geddy Lee, and Travis Barker

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