DavidCookOfficial Fan Report of Totally Accurate Truth - Episode 2 and Three Quarters
Joined: Sep 2008
Boston, MA
Tuesday, October 14, 2008 - 08:21
DavidCookOfficial Fan Report of Totally Accurate Truth - Episode 2 and Three Quarters
Because you asked for it!
DavidCookOfficial Fan Report of Totally Accurate Truth - Episode 2 and Three Quarters
David, I understand you are in New York right now, pouring hot sauce on the final mix of the record and giving phone sex to radio djs, so it is possible you have once again fallen behind on reading this site.
So once more it is my duty to prepare an executive summary of the key events of recent days.
Recently, on David Cook Official:
Light On became available for paid download, like high-quality porn. Better, because it only costs 99 cents. So your fans got their orgasms for less than a greasy packet of home fries.
According to Blender magazine, you were offered a dowry of camels and a satellite by a Saudi princess and a porn star wanted you to come to over and watch O'Reilly Factor with her. You turned both down. Good for you, because camels bite. Also, some porn stars. Also, Fox News.
The economy collapsed.
Fan 1: OMG he sold 100,000 downloads on iTunes in a week. And only 20 of them were me!
Fan 2: Dear DCO fans, we cannot buy things from iTunes here in Finland. Please send me the gift of this precious song and in return I will burn herrings on my altar and also you can have my daughter Illlfelka.
Fan 3: Dave Cook s*cks camel dongs. Those sales figures are pathetic. David Archuleta just bought Disneyworld and the entire state of Wisconsin, meanwhile, "Light On" has yet to sell as many copies as "Lips of an Angel."
Fan 4: I haven't heard Light On on my radio. Cook's career is over. RCA Records is a cabal of evil trolls who keep their artists in a freezing cage, fighting for home fries and scraps of promotion.
Fan 5: I warned Bernake about those volatile mortgage-based derivatives! Also, the official radio add date is just this week, people, stop spazzing out.
Fan 6: My life savings! Nooooooooooooo! Hey peeps, I just emailed Kiss 108 and they are totally are playing the song!
All in all, a week of thrills, chills, and herring snacks, here, on The Internet's Most Nearly Sane David Cook Fan Site.
Coming soon: Cook adds new band mates, and makes a video . . .
Previous mischief here.
Comments for this Forum Topic
You. ROCK.
That is all. Carry on whilst I laugh my a$$ off.
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*Jamie*~Word Nerd #2916*
You. ROCK.
That is all. Carry on whilst I laugh my a$$ off.
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*Jamie*~Word Nerd #2916*
Teehee...thanks, guys. And thanks to kaydeecee for starting these hilarious antics.
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I'm ALIVE! ...and I don't care much for words of doom.
Voter registration deadlines are upon us. Don't forget to register!
kaydeecee and Cooked, awesome.
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FolkFan aka CrossWordsRock on TWoP
Well, when I read this thread, I started getting really hungry for home fries.
And then I realized that these updates were totally a front, because you're actually a potato farmer who is trying to subtly drive demand for your product.
I, and the righteous flagger, have seen through your cunning little scheme, missy.
Hee.
(And Cooked? Your addition is giving me giggle fits. "Hogwash!")
Other people I may have offended:
Finns
Saudi Royal family
Fox News
Evil cage-minding trolls
Dolphins
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kaydeecee
Baroness of Snark ~ TWOP Refugees: Ragtag army of clowns and jesters
Dedicated to the love and mockery of David Cook
"Who flagged the thread'?
Camels? Porn stars? Pessimists? Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke?
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kaydeecee
Baroness of Snark ~ TWOP Refugees: Ragtag army of clowns and jesters
Dedicated to the love and mockery of David Cook
Cooked, that was AWESOME.
Meanwhile, who the $&^$#*@ flagged this thread?!? Must have been a fan #3 or #4 who is feeling harassed after the SNL news and decided to retali-flag.
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David Cook: My Drug and My Anti-Drug.
THIS SERIOUSLY GOT FLAGGED???? REALLY??? COME ON! THIS IS FUNNY!!! COME ON PEOPLE GET A SENSE OF HUMOR!!!!
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Cooked--You wrote the next chapter!!! I think I hear those voices now!
"And the United States of America for scheduling presidential elections on the first Tuesday of November every four years, which just happens to be THREE DAYS AFTER DAVID COOK BEGINS HIS RECORD PROMOTION BY PERFORMING ON SNL. Thanks for accommodating his schedule."
I KNOW!!!!
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kaydeecee
Baroness of Snark ~ TWOP Refugees: Ragtag army of clowns and jesters
Dedicated to the love and mockery of David Cook
I got carried away with all this excitement...sorry I couldn't resist!
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I'm ALIVE! ...and I don't care much for words of doom.
Voter registration deadlines are upon us. Don't forget to register!
Fan #9: What a generic album cover. Why would they display his name and face so prominently? Where's the creativity? We don't need to know who he is; we just need to know what he's selling us!
Fan #10: No, this album cover is GENIUS. I love how well it advertises the merchandise. Which is DAVID COOK. He's selling HIMSELF. (Just as long as he doesn't sell his soul over to pop music and VH1 reality shows for washed up "stars," I'm alright with that.)
Fan #11: But at least Daughtry's cover looks like ROCK. This just looks like...DAVIDCOOK-on-a-disc. Hey, that actually sounds tas--I mean...excuse me...
Fan #12: Tasty is right! Give me ten gritty with a splash of spicy DAVID COOKS, well done! Mmm mmm good! Just like Ma used to make.
Fan #13: Brothers and Sisters, David Cook defies genre and similar forms of classification. Come, join the Cult of Cook, and ye lowly, classed brethren may learn the secrets of the Master.
Fan #14: Um. Ok. Anyway, what kind of song titles are these? "Bar-ba-sol"? WTF?Cook! This record is going to tank.
Fan #15: "Bar-ba-sol" must be about his true claim to fame (forgetting to shave, of course). HAHAHAHAHA. He's so witty. That's officially my new favorite song evah in life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111oneeleven Even moreso than "Cru--I mean "Light On"...
Fan #16: Mr. Sensitive, eh? Well, that's surprising...I never would have pegged you as emo, Dave. A crier? You? Hogwash!
Fan #17: A Daily AntheM?! ::weeps uncontrollably in a corner until November 18::
Fan #18: SNL? SNL! S. N. LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL. P.S.--I love you, Ben Affleck. And Tina Fey. And the United States of America for scheduling presidential elections on the first Tuesday of November every four years, which just happens to be THREE DAYS AFTER DAVID COOK BEGINS HIS RECORD PROMOTION BY PERFORMING ON SNL. Thanks for accommodating his schedule.
Fan #19: Wow! Now, that's what I call promo. RCA and 19E may know what they're doing after all. Except for whoever's running this site... It won't even exist by the time the album drops because the internet will have spontaneously 'ploded by then. And then the stock market will re-crash, into nonexistence this time. Thanks a lot, Sony BMG!
Fan #20: But look! The stock market's going back up, and my gas prices have fallen...wait--what did you say? SNL? SNLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!! That show still exists? I haven't watched since 1980, but it was funny then, so this has to be good news, right? RIGHT! SNLLLLLLLLLLLL!
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I'm ALIVE! ...and I don't care much for words of doom.
Voter registration deadlines are upon us. Don't forget to register!
Ha ha ha! Hilarious! You could tag along with DC on SNL and write a DC fan skit for them!!!
Thanks for all the LUVIN peeps, I could not get back in here to post for quite a while because . . .
Album cover!! Track list!! All you alls is on at once!
Whooooooo! Does my sexy dance.
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kaydeecee
Baroness of Snark ~ TWOP Refugees: Ragtag army of clowns and jesters
Dedicated to the love and mockery of David Cook
This is *hilarious*...LOVE IT!
LOVE IT!
Fan #8? - the economy and all other subjects are irrelevant. We have been busying ourselves assimilating radio stations and fans into the David Cook collective at Yes.com and all other efficient sites with little or no time to regenerate. And as always resistance is futile.
*fangirls you*
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Nanea a.k.a thesaurusrex
"Think of everything you wanted, and what you got instead . . ."
The Cookie Jar
This is freaking hilarious. Can I add a fan #7? Heres what she would say:
Despite the fact the economy collapsed, I have shelled out $150 on the Do The Wright Thing Gala tickets and refinanced my now worthless house for a trip to New York. And the worst of it all is I have nothing to wear!!!
LOL
I didn't really refinance my house.--
If you want to know the truth, meeting David Cook was the Time of My Life
OMG! I haven´t written much here, but now I have to say, this is hilarious. I´d just HAVE to be Fan 2, even thou I only have two sons and no daughters.. Thanks Kaydeecee!!
Cooksfinnlover
OMG! I haven´t written much here, but now I have to say, this is hilarious. I´d just HAVE to be Fan 2, even thou I only have two sons and no daughters.. Thanks Kaydeecee!!
Cooksfinnlover
Damn KAYDEE! girl you just get funnier and funnier every freaking time! I loved it!
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I can't decide if I'm fan #5 or #6, but either way I am sitting in a room all by myself laughing my a** off, so I'm officially crazy. I really hope you do this for a living, because you are very, very good at it. Thanks for the laugh.
I'm afraid I'm Fan 2. Greetings from Helsinki or somewhere.
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Longing for gold
Hurray! Kaydeecee, you are truly the girlcrush that keeps on giving.
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David Cook: My Drug and My Anti-Drug.
I literally almost spilled my coffee all over my keyboard... LOL. Kaydeecee, you. are. spot. on.
*bows down*
That was an amazingly hilarious and accurate description of the last week. Well done
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Please promise you'll never abandon us! You are our crack, Zoloft, Jack Daniels, [insert drug of choice here], and we'd not survive without your insight and wit.
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~Even in the daylight, shine on.....
This.
HAHAHAHA.
^ I'm starting to sound like Mr. Archuleta.
Anyways, great job with this, you've made my day!
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KDC- You are now one of the many, many Dave Cook-connected addictions that are ruling my life. I can follow the lead of the Finnish fan and offer to burn my 401K on my altar, and turn over my (useless) ATM card to you if you'll promise to give us a regular column at least every week!
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AngelaTarantula (TWOP old); Song of Roland (TWOP now); FallForever(MJs)
This is hilarious!!
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uh, that's the best way to turn my crappity crap day at work around. Luvs it.
OMFG, the sky is falling. must. buy. more. copies. of light. on
Bahahahahaha. And no, I have nothing substantial to add.
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Pinoy fans represent!
Thanks, this is another great one!
OMFGAWD! The perfect way to start the day's insanities, kaydeecee. I may have injured myself laughing, however, right about the point about things that bite. And I'll probably have to re-read this again and again tonight while NOT watching the election results here in Canada. If I move to Finland will you send me the new music when it comes out? I'll send more herring!
"The Hot Sauce"...indeed. I thought pouring the hot sauce was the province of the Boss Jock. (side bar: I grew up in New England, live in Philadelphia, and never, for the life of me, could I pronounce: "The Boss Jock with the Hot Sauce" correctly.) Anyway...as Fan 6, I would just like to say: "Life savings be damned, my Peeps. David stuff... the only true investment we should be making."
fan #4 FTW now off to work happy.
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You make me fall forever With no end in sight.
sky1234 WN#3453
Excellent use of my time whilst waiting to see where the NYSE opens at.
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nicest of the damned
The fandom named Sybil! And the right priorities - David will win out over losing our life savings every time.
Thanks for all the fun updates in a nutshell Kaydeecee - no need to go reading thousands of posts to be well informed. You FTW hands down!
LMAO!!!! That's too much LOL
And what a perfect resume of the week.
Long live fans #3 and 4. It wouldn't be fun without you.